You couldn’t make it up. I wrote this radio sketch after a certain budget airline charged me for checking in at a check-in desk rather than checking in online. Subsequently, they have touted the idea of charging people to go to the loo. (Probably just a good PR stunt on the CEO’s part in all reality.) Anyway, here it is…
BUMS ON SEATS
FX: TANNOY BING BONG.
STEWARDESS: (D) Welcome on board flight RF652 from London Heathrow Dublin. In a few moments we’ll be passing through the cabin with refreshments.
PASSENGER: Excuse me, Miss. Can I get a copy of the in-flight magazine.
STEWARDESS: Certainly, Sir. That’ll be two pounds fifty.
PASSENGER: Excuse me?
STEWARDESS: Two pounds fifty.
PASSENGER: You want to charge me for the in-flight magazine?
STEWARDESS: Do you usually get your magazines for free?
PASSENGER: No, but it’s not the same, is it? I mean, it’s not really a magazine. It’s more of a catalogue for perfume, booze and fags.
STEWARDESS: Do you want it or not?
PASSENGER: No thanks, I’d rather read my book.
FX: SEAT BELT UNBUCKLING.
STEWARDESS: Sit down please, Sir.
PASSENGER: Just getting my book from the overhead locker.
STEWARDESS: It’s twelve pounds to use the overhead bins.
PASSENGER: I thought it was included in the fare.
STEWARDESS: No. Your fare is for the seat. Not the seat and the bin. The bin is extra.
PASSENGER: I’ll put the bag on my knee.
STEWARDESS: You can’t. It’s against aviation law.
PASSENGER How about under the seat in front of me.
STEWARDESS: That’s a fiver.
PASSENGER: That’s… reasonable. What if I want to use the bathroom?
STEWARDESS: Two quid.
PASSENGER: And the reading light?
STEWARDESS: A pound.
PASSENGER: The air vent thingy.
STEWARDESS: That’s a pound as well.
PASSENGER: What happens in the event of a crash?
STEWARDESS: Oxygen masks are two hundred and a life jacket is five hundred.
PASSENGER: What are the chances of us having to make an emergency landing?
STEWARDESS: Pretty high, I’d say.
PASSENGER: In that case, I’ll take one of each.
STEWARDESS: Wise decision, Sir.
PASSENGER: Do you take visa?
STEWARDESS: There’s a 25% service charge for credit cards.
PASSENGER: Debit card?
PASSENGER: That’s quite a lot.
STEWARDESS: Look, do you want the life vest or not? We’ve only got seven.
PASSENGER: Seven! But there must be two hundred people on this plane.
STEWARDESS: Have you read Catch 22?
PASSENGER: Should I have?
STEWARDESS: It would explain a few things. So… one oxygen mask. Do you want oxygen with that?
PASSENGER: How much?
PASSENGER: What else do you have?
STEWARDESS: Helium. It’s great for the screaming.
FX: TANNOY BING BONG.
CAPT: Cabin crew… hic… to seats.