Bums on seats

You couldn’t make it up. I wrote this radio sketch after a certain budget airline charged me for checking in at a check-in desk rather than checking in online. Subsequently, they have touted the idea of charging people to go to the loo. (Probably just a good PR stunt on the CEO’s part in all reality.) Anyway, here it is…

BUMS ON SEATS

© David Milligan-Croft.

FX:                               TANNOY BING BONG.

STEWARDESS:        (D) Welcome on board flight RF652 from London Heathrow Dublin. In  a few moments we’ll be passing through the cabin with refreshments.

PASSENGER:            Excuse me, Miss. Can I get a copy of the in-flight magazine.

STEWARDESS:        Certainly, Sir. That’ll be two pounds fifty.

PASSENGER:            Excuse me?

STEWARDESS:        Two pounds fifty.

PASSENGER:            You want to charge me for the in-flight magazine?

STEWARDESS:        Do you usually get your magazines for free?

PASSENGER:            No, but it’s not the same, is it? I mean, it’s not really a magazine. It’s more of a catalogue for perfume, booze and fags.

STEWARDESS:        Do you want it or not?

PASSENGER:            No thanks, I’d rather read my book.

FX:                               SEAT BELT UNBUCKLING.

STEWARDESS:         Sit down please, Sir.

PASSENGER:            Just getting my book from the overhead locker.

STEWARDESS:         It’s twelve pounds to use the overhead bins.

PASSENGER:            I thought it was included in the fare.

STEWARDESS:         No. Your fare is for the seat. Not the seat and the bin. The bin is extra.

PASSENGER:            I’ll put the bag on my knee.

STEWARDESS:         You can’t. It’s against aviation law.

PASSENGER            How about under the seat in front of me.

STEWARDESS:         That’s a fiver.

PASSENGER:            That’s… reasonable. What if I want to use the bathroom?

STEWARDESS:         Two quid.

PASSENGER:            And the reading light?

STEWARDESS:         A pound.

PASSENGER:            The air vent thingy.

STEWARDESS:         That’s a pound as well.

PASSENGER:            What happens in the event of a crash?

STEWARDESS:         Oxygen masks are two hundred and a life jacket is five hundred.

PASSENGER:            What are the chances of us having to make an emergency landing?

STEWARDESS:         Pretty high, I’d say.

PASSENGER:            In that case, I’ll take one of each.

STEWARDESS:         Wise decision, Sir.

PASSENGER:            Do you take visa?

STEWARDESS:         There’s a 25% service charge for credit cards.

PASSENGER:            Debit card?

STEWARDESS:         50%.

PASSENGER:            That’s quite a lot.

STEWARDESS:         Look, do you want the life vest or not? We’ve only got seven.

PASSENGER:            Seven! But there must be two hundred people on this plane.

STEWARDESS:         Have you read Catch 22?

PASSENGER:            Should I have?

STEWARDESS:         It would explain a few things. So… one oxygen mask. Do you want oxygen with that?

PASSENGER:            How much?

STEWARDESS:         Fifty.

PASSENGER:            What else do you have?

STEWARDESS:        Helium. It’s great for the screaming.

FX:                              TANNOY BING BONG.

CAPT:                        Cabin crew… hic… to seats.

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8 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Ideas, Radio, Writing

8 responses to “Bums on seats

  1. Nice! I bet Michael O’Leary’s taking notes, David. Made me think of this old Joe Sedelmaier ad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYspsgIjb4U

  2. What?! No, it was definitely the former! The only reason I knew the Alaska Airlines ad is that I’ve got a Sedelmaier compilation somewhere on a dusty old VHS.

    Your script and the ad were great in very different, yet thematically linked, ways.

    Phew. Glad to have cleared that up.

  3. Ha! Ha! That was suspiciously similar to a witty retort I read on another blog…

  4. Where’s today’s Haiku?

  5. Today I heard that an American budget airline called Spirit are planning to introduce a $45 charge for using the overhead lockers for hand luggage.

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