The ‘alternative’ George Osborne speech.

The Chancellor, George Osborne.

The Chancellor, George Osborne.

NSFW or kids.

In today’s Autumn Statement, Chancellor George Osborne has [allegedly] admitted that he’s made a ‘right, royal cock-up of the economy’. In a speech to the House of Commons, Osborne [allegedly] said that he ‘couldn’t give a rat’s ass’ about the consequences, as it would only affect snivelling little poor people anyway.

‘I’m not arsed what these scroungers think,’ he [allegedly] said. ‘I’m fucking minted! And they’re hardly going to contribute to the coffers in my retirement. It’s the bankers and top business people I need to keep sweet if they’re going to pay for my mansion in Cheshire. That’s why they’re getting all the tax breaks. And who’s going to pay for it? Why, the poor of course. It’d be tragic if it wasn’t so fucking ironic.

‘I saw this great documentary the other day called, “The Hunger Games”, and I thought we could introduce something similar over here, where dole dossers and people on minimum wage have to battle it out for grub. Last family standing gets first dabs at the Foodbank. Besides, there’s too many of the fuckers, and none of them vote for us, so it’s a win-win.

‘And don’t get me started on the ‘bedroom tax’. I can’t believe anyone fell for that bollocks. We’re thinking of introducing a ‘bathroom tax’. Those dirty bastards never wash anyway.’

Asked why Britain’s deficit was growing rather than shrinking, Osborne [allegedly] said, ‘Shut the fuck up, you plank. Those fuckwit voters haven’t noticed that the economy is stagnant and that austerity measures have utterly failed to reduce the deficit or kick-start the economy. People are more skint now than they were when we took office. Well, except for me and my rich mates, of course. We’re fecking coining it in.’

When quizzed about the reduction in unemployment figures, he gave a wry grin and [allegedly] said, ‘IDS has played a blinder there. He basically gets people off Jobseekers by getting Atos to register them as self-employed. They still sit around all day doing fuck-all but they get Working Tax Credits instead of JSA. It’s great for the stats.

‘But there’s always the parasites who say they’re too sick to look for work. IDS just sends them back anyway. If they don’t go, he slashes their benefits in half. One bloke he’d kicked off sick benefits had the audacity to get his missus to ring up and say he was dead. Fucking dead! Can you believe it? Sheesh, some people will do anything to get out of work. IDS must be doing something right though, even the bankers think he’s a heartless twat.’

‘Right then, piss off, I’m late for a champagne breakfast with Merrill Lynch.’

Of course, this is all hearsay and has yet to be confirmed by official sources. Our chief reporter has it on good authority that it was said by some blood-sucking turd, who was seen draining the life out of a pensioner, and we just put two and two together.

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5 Comments

Filed under Comedy, community, Creativity, Economy, Politics, Writing

5 responses to “The ‘alternative’ George Osborne speech.

  1. Absolutely. You’ve said it all, or got him to say it! I think you’ve captured the true Osborne spot on. I am so angry with this Government, but also bored and cynical about anything that comes out of the mouths of politicians generally, whatever party they’re attached to.

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