Bums on seats

You couldn’t make it up. I wrote this radio sketch after a certain budget airline charged me for checking in at a check-in desk rather than checking in online. Subsequently, they have touted the idea of charging people to go to the loo. (Probably just a good PR stunt on the CEO’s part in all reality.) Anyway, here it is…

BUMS ON SEATS

© David Milligan-Croft.

FX:                               TANNOY BING BONG.

STEWARDESS:        (D) Welcome on board flight RF652 from London Heathrow Dublin. In  a few moments we’ll be passing through the cabin with refreshments.

PASSENGER:            Excuse me, Miss. Can I get a copy of the in-flight magazine.

STEWARDESS:        Certainly, Sir. That’ll be two pounds fifty.

PASSENGER:            Excuse me?

STEWARDESS:        Two pounds fifty.

PASSENGER:            You want to charge me for the in-flight magazine?

STEWARDESS:        Do you usually get your magazines for free?

PASSENGER:            No, but it’s not the same, is it? I mean, it’s not really a magazine. It’s more of a catalogue for perfume, booze and fags.

STEWARDESS:        Do you want it or not?

PASSENGER:            No thanks, I’d rather read my book.

FX:                               SEAT BELT UNBUCKLING.

STEWARDESS:         Sit down please, Sir.

PASSENGER:            Just getting my book from the overhead locker.

STEWARDESS:         It’s twelve pounds to use the overhead bins.

PASSENGER:            I thought it was included in the fare.

STEWARDESS:         No. Your fare is for the seat. Not the seat and the bin. The bin is extra.

PASSENGER:            I’ll put the bag on my knee.

STEWARDESS:         You can’t. It’s against aviation law.

PASSENGER            How about under the seat in front of me.

STEWARDESS:         That’s a fiver.

PASSENGER:            That’s… reasonable. What if I want to use the bathroom?

STEWARDESS:         Two quid.

PASSENGER:            And the reading light?

STEWARDESS:         A pound.

PASSENGER:            The air vent thingy.

STEWARDESS:         That’s a pound as well.

PASSENGER:            What happens in the event of a crash?

STEWARDESS:         Oxygen masks are two hundred and a life jacket is five hundred.

PASSENGER:            What are the chances of us having to make an emergency landing?

STEWARDESS:         Pretty high, I’d say.

PASSENGER:            In that case, I’ll take one of each.

STEWARDESS:         Wise decision, Sir.

PASSENGER:            Do you take visa?

STEWARDESS:         There’s a 25% service charge for credit cards.

PASSENGER:            Debit card?

STEWARDESS:         50%.

PASSENGER:            That’s quite a lot.

STEWARDESS:         Look, do you want the life vest or not? We’ve only got seven.

PASSENGER:            Seven! But there must be two hundred people on this plane.

STEWARDESS:         Have you read Catch 22?

PASSENGER:            Should I have?

STEWARDESS:         It would explain a few things. So… one oxygen mask. Do you want oxygen with that?

PASSENGER:            How much?

STEWARDESS:         Fifty.

PASSENGER:            What else do you have?

STEWARDESS:        Helium. It’s great for the screaming.

FX:                              TANNOY BING BONG.

CAPT:                        Cabin crew… hic… to seats.